I don’t remember what the assignment was here, but I know I wrote it for a class. It could’ve been a really vague assignment like “write a 1500 word story with first-person dialogue.” I really don’t know. All I do know is that it was inspired by events going on at the time. 9/11 occurred just a few years before this was written, and we’d only been in Iraq for a year or two. One of my classmates that reviewed the story felt it was a completely unrealistic story, and I’m sure they are right. But cautionary tales aren’t supposed to be warm, fuzzy, and realistic. They’re supposed to be terrifying. It should also be noted that I wrote this years before the World War Z movie had zombies piling on top of each other to get over a wall, so the “human ramp” idea was my own. Not to say that the filmmakers took the idea from me, but I just want to be clear that I didn’t steal it from them.
This assignment was to write a dialogue between two people without using identifying markers like, “he said,” and “said Kari.” Other than that, I don't think there were any content requirements. My professors were good about that.
“You know, you aren’t exactly the man I’d hoped you’d be. Don’t get me wrong. I love you, and you’re more than I could have hoped for, but you’re always making me do something rather than doing it yourself. I guess that’s pretty typical of a man, but you are not a typical man. When it comes to dealing with people, you wimp out and leave the tough stuff to me. I don’t want to be the helpless little lady, but sometimes I wish you weren’t such a weenie.”
“I am fully aware of my…aversion. It never seemed to be a problem until now. Honestly, I wonder why you are even complaining. I would like to think we are a fairly progressive couple, and we try to keep our gender roles limited. We play our parts, but usually when necessity or cliché demand it. You are the helpless little lady whenever you are being a wimp, and I am the burly big man when you are being a wimp. Otherwise, we are pretty much on the same plane.”
“I realize all of that. But, don’t you think that perhaps we should, if only on occasion, play our parts? We are, after all, a male and a female. There’s no denying that in our society we have parts to play. And honestly, I feel like I need a man, sometimes. But, don’t get me wrong. You know what I mean.”
“I understand, Honey. I am simply not man enough for you.”
“No, Babe! That’s not what I’m saying, and you know that. You’re plenty of man for me. It’s just that you’re not much of a man.”
“Ouch.”
The complete story appears in the 2026 revised edition of Ten Terribly Terrific Tall Tales Trying to Trip the Triune, coming soon.
