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Henceforth, #maga supporters will be known as magats.

I just took the recycling downstairs through our parking garage, and my cat followed me every step of the way. I think she’s half dog.

I aim this quote squarely at anyone who continues to accept Donald Trump’s lack of concern for the rest of… fb.me/66pOO4j6E

My doctor visit today was $10. I’d say that qualifies as affordable.

If you’re offended by what Kathy Griffin did but not by what Ted Nugent did, spare us your hypocritical outrage.

I just got caught in the middle of a field as the sprinklers turned on, but I didn’t get a drop on me. My first… fb.me/9lqjFgW8m

5-25-77 was perfect, especially when it wasn’t.

We made a video for my favorite restaurant! fb.me/1ovhV0bhd

If you’re going to be the tasteless jackass that jokes​ about a tragedy, at least be funny. If you dont, you doubly fail.

Current mood… fb.me/1dkdJBVVc

I love that I can type “aw” and my phone predicts “awesomesauce.”

I just had my first conversation entirely in Spanish, and it felt like I had superpowers.

Here’s a little something I baked up last night. fb.me/8I1e2tJFU

I edited this together months ago, and it’s currently experiencing a surge in popularity on YouTube. I almost… fb.me/1gKMvsEZ6

I really need a kid so I have an excuse to buy toys for myself. I mean for them. I mean for myself.

“Illusions” by Thomas Bergersen + Knights of the Eternal Throne fb.me/8w4zOwFNz

Is it awkward that I’m more of a man than @realDonaldTrump?

@zeldawilliams Story of my life…

@GeorgeOdem That’s offensive to some of your turds.

I’m Mary Poppins, y’all!

I realize how weird this is going to sound, but I think I’m in love with my new phone.